Mindset and body coaching to overcome emotional eating
Hi, super mums. Lucia Veracruz here, and welcome to our sixth training lesson where we cover Resistance, Self-sabotage and Raising the standards.
In our previous lesson, we talked about How to accept the part of you that you want to change and Judgement of self where we have learned the importance of being accepting and judgment-free.
Today I want to focus on how to eliminate resistance, how to stop self-sabotage and show you why it is important to raise your standards and how all the things you do are connected.
What we cover today summary:
- Self- sabotage
- Raising the standards
Now you understand the importance of acceptance and letting go of judgments but what to do if you still feel some resistance?
If you still have this feeling and voices inside your head which are not allowing you to move forward and grow?
As children, we all start life being innocent and carefree.
We have the ability to quickly move on after doing something “naughty” without a second thought.
But as we grow older and we have more negative and unpleasant experiences, we start to build mechanisms to help us cope and reduce pain.
When I was a child I wanted so badly to please my dad (for everything that he has done for us), so I took on a personality of a perfectionist and an overachiever wanting to excel and be the best at everything.
I was between the best in my class, I excelled at sports and even though I was not naturally an artist and I never owned a piano (because we couldn’t afford it), I learned to play it and be pretty good at it.
However, seeing that my hard work and achievements:
- didn’t make my dad any happier,
- were not enough to receive unconditional love from my stepmother who didn’t know how to love anyone because of her own issues from childhood,
- resulted in rejection by my classmates and friends who started experimenting with drugs, alcohol and cigarettes.
I thought what’s the point of all this effort if all I get in return is pain and loneliness?
And that’s when I allowed the “dark side” of me to completely take over going from one extreme to another.
At that time, I didn’t accept any goodness in me, I completely gave up on life, I was 100% certain I was all bad until I nearly died from an overdose.
So here I was, starting with a clean slate after my near-death experience when I was 18.
Being so grateful to be alive, I made a decision to make up for all the “bad” things that I have done, for all the lies, the heartaches, the empty promises and disrespect to myself and others.
I vowed myself to be humble, thankful for all my blessings, honest, respectful of myself and others, thoughtful, kind, hard-working and reliable.
But to my surprise, the decision to completely change myself for better came with a whole lot of RESISTANCE.
I didn’t realize it at a time, that suppressing or denying all of my “dark” sides will not lead me to a happy and fulfilled life.
“What we resist, will persist.”
The more I was trying to disown that side of me, the more it manifested in my life by resistance which has caused a massive amount of pain.
It was my new beliefs that kept me from moving forward.
It was my “wounded ego” that I have tried to hide about myself.
If you can’t allow the dark to exist, then you are not allowing the light to exist either.
Letting go of the idea that I couldn’t be “perfect” despite my best efforts wasn’t like learning to ride a bike, it was like learning to fly a helicopter!
To be able to step back, face the pain and my “ugly” side and accept it, took a lot of practice. And it still does sometimes…
Being a human means that our willpower is limited and sometimes we will make poor decisions…
This doesn’t mean that we are bad people or that we failed, it just means that we are human…
When you learn to make peace with yourself, you will be in harmony with everybody and everything else without resistance.
I know I am repeating myself when it comes to acceptance, but I need you to understand, that this is one of the most important parts of your recovery and the more I repeat it, the easier and quicker it will “sink in”.
So just as I have mentioned in the previous lessons, accept yourself and free yourself from judgment when resistance comes up in order to change, achieve balance and keep it for good!
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate but that we are powerful beyond measure.”
What is holding you back
Do you ever wonder, how come you can’t control yourself even though you know exactly what you should be doing?
And did you notice how it is a matter of time before you start sabotaging yourself every time you start getting closer to your goals?
Most people start looking for answers on the “outside” wondering what people or events may have caused their suffering…
But only those who succeed, look inside themselves and take control.
The only person holding you back from achieving your goals is YOU!
It is not your past, it’s not that you love food, it’s not your body type, your age, lack of time, your personality, not sleeping, having no support or anything else.
It is you, your habits, your mindset, your thoughts and your beliefs!
If you blame your circumstances, then you will never win because by believing that there is someone or something else to blame, you give up control.
Only when you accept that it is you who is responsible, only then you can have the control back and you will be able to change.
You need to understand that without changing yourself, you will be stuck where you are right now and you will only have what you have right now.
You are not who you are… you are someone who is constantly changing and evolving and you can be anyone you want to be…
We are nearly at the end of week 2 and if you still experience self- sabotage then it is important to understand what it is and how to overcome it.
What is self-sabotage?
“Behaviour is said to be self-sabotaging when it creates extreme frustration, depression, anxiety or guilt in our life and interferes with long-term goals.”
The most common self-sabotaging behaviors are procrastination, self-medication with drugs, alcohol, cigarettes or emotional eating.”
Self-sabotage is often misunderstood because we don’t realize that it only comes for one reason and that is to stop the pain that we associate with following through.
As you will come to understand the patterns that underlie self-sabotage, you will be able to free yourself and finally experience fulfillment.
Did you notice that the pain of dieting, deprivation and hunger is bigger than the pain of the “binge” which is somewhat enjoyable while it’s happening (because there is no restriction) hence we self-sabotage?
So, if you want the self-sabotage to stop, you will need to stop the “pain” of extreme dieting, restrictions or punishing yourself with extreme exercising.
Instead, focus on eating healthy nutritious food that you enjoy and that satisfies you and do some exercise (15-30 min max.) that you enjoy most days of the week to feel good and have more energy rather than to lose weight.
If you are not improving in achieving what you want, then you are most likely sabotaging yourself somewhere along the line with limiting beliefs or restrictions and you will need to break that pattern.
We tend to go through life in wave-like patterns moving between extreme highs and lows, when one day we are motivated and positive, taking action towards our goals and the next day we are “throwing in the towel” thinking what’s the point?
The problem here is that we go from one extreme to another, either doing everything we supposed to or nothing at all.
The aim here should be to regulate these highs and lows into smaller waves rather than concentrating going in a straight line up.
Because of this, while this desire of becoming a better version of ourselves may give us temporary motivation, we rarely follow through for long because it is impossible to maintain this motivation 100% of the time.
And then we self-sabotage which makes us fall back into our old ways and stick to our basic desires, emptiness and self-doubt, which then brings us down and takes away the energy we need to fulfill our dreams.
Many people would not even contemplate responding to this urge to grow and improve because deep down they know just how difficult it would be to change.
They desire balance, confidence, and self-control but they lack ambition and are unwilling or incapable of being disciplined and do the work in order to get there.
If you want to believe in yourself, don’t set yourself up for failure, just plan ahead and do the work. If you fail to prepare and take action, you prepare to fail!
No matter what you want to achieve in life, before you master anything (being balanced, being a good mum, wife, professional or a businesswoman), you will need to do the work and understand that you will only move forward if the pain of not doing the work will be bigger than the pain of doing it!
And here is what will happen if you don’t do the work:
- You need to have faith and believe that you can overcome your emotional eating with the right program and guidance even if it seems impossible right now because if you don’t, whatever you believe will become your reality!
- You need to make better choices with food, look after your body and mind that will give you energy and make you feel good even if you don’t feel like it sometimes because if you don’t, you will feel miserable and unhappy!
- You need to accept yourself being imperfect even if it’s difficult because if you don’t, you will never win the battles in your head!
- You need to stop judging yourself and others even if it seems impossible right now because if you don’t, you will never have a peace of mind or balance!
- You need to focus on progress instead of perfection even if the progress is very small because if you don’t, you will go backward not forward!
It is important to know that not everything you do that takes you a step back when you want to move forward is self-sabotage.
Sometimes we just make poor decisions.
Just because sometimes you eat a bit more than other times, it doesn’t mean that you have self-sabotaged and failed.
To regulate your wave, you need to celebrate progress and acknowledge even the slightest improvement instead of focusing on achieving full control (perfection).
After getting better at practicing this, you will learn not to sabotage yourself anymore.
Raising the standards
Did you ever notice that when you are motivated, then most things in your life head in the same direction?
When your house and car are clean, you have more savings, the kids are sorted and organized, your weight is going down, your work and relationships are going well and then all of a sudden the “low” comes and everything else follows.
As I was looking at these highs and lows I have noticed some patterns.
When I went low, I would only ever go so low but never lower than that…
And when I went high, I would only ever go so high but never higher than that…
For example, if I gained weight, I would get to a maximum of 73 kilos, and if I lost weight, I would go down to a maximum of 66 kilos.
*This was after beating anorexia and bulimia when my minimum was 53 kilos.
When I cleaned my house, I would do always clean the areas visible to an eye, but never pull away furniture or clean under the beds…
Or when I was trying to save, I would only ever get to a certain amount, before I started to spend it and then get down to a certain amount…
That was because when I got to 73 kgs, it was always the last straw and then I would get myself in gear and not allow myself to go any higher than that. It was my lowest standard.
And as soon as I got down to 66 kgs, I thought I was doing pretty well, so I could relax a bit and back off with the strict dieting. It was my highest standard.
And then I have noticed that these highs and lows would apply in every area of my life whether it was relationships, money, work, my house, car or my energy…
So, if I gained weight to my lowest standard, then usually my car and house would be as messy to my lowest standards, I would spend more money, and I would feel below average and therefore have more arguments and less patience…
And this would last until I reached my lowest standard in everything…
…and then I would get motivated again and start losing weight, I would have more energy, my house and car would be tidy and I would be saving more money until…
…I reached my highest standard, then I would lose my motivation, and gain all the weight back again and feel depressed…
And this cycle would repeat itself over and over again.
Observing this pattern made me realize that we don’t reach our goals and dreams but we only ever get to our standards (what we must have) and that everything we do has an effect on everything else.
That means that the only way we can reach our goals is if we change them into our standards in every area of our lives.
So, if you are not feeling so good about yourself right now and you want to change, it’s time to raise your standards in the areas that you can control in order to influence the area that is out of your control.
Other than looking after your body and mind, it’s time to look after everything else by a higher standard so this can help you feel good about yourself and motivate you in the areas that you are struggling with.
And we will look into this in more detail next week when we talk about Denial, the Laws of the universe, how do we fit in the society, beliefs, decisions and conditioning.
Thank you for completing this lesson, here is today’s homework and check out the implementation tips tomorrow that will help you to put this into practice.